Shame
- Michael Haldas
- Mar 4
- 8 min read
“Shame, I think, is the broader name for the energy of the soul that senses our proper limits in our relationships with God and man in order to connect us with our neighbor; shame itself is not the problem but distortions of shame….Healthy shame is encapsulated in the beautifully untranslatable Greek word philotimo, which describes a disposition that, a) could not bear the shame of doing even the tiniest thing wrong towards God or others, and b) would be ashamed to count the cost of doing good.” (Timothy G. Patitsas)
“This theme of “covering” continues throughout the stories of Scripture. Even our daily clothing is associated with shame. Shame is always about identity and character (“who I am”). We use clothing to hide vulnerable aspects of our lives, or to signal belonging, or competency, or beauty, all of the many things that hide who we are, the nakedness of our shame. However, the Cross is a return to primordial nakedness. Christ is “naked and unashamed.” There is a shame associated with the Cross: the shame of humanity’s brokenness and sin. And it is this shame that Christ accepts in the self-emptying of the Cross, described by Hebrews as “despising the shame.” The word translated “despise” (καταφρονήσας) simply means to “have little consideration for.” Stated positively, Christ “bears our shame.” Isaiah has this prophetic description: I gave My back to those who struck Me, And My cheeks to those who plucked out the beard; I did not hide My face from shame and spitting (Isa 50:6).” (Father Stephen Freeman)
“Shame even blocks the workings of healthy guilt. Guilt leads us to think “I’ve done bad” and convicts us to change our behavior, whereas shame leads us to say “I am bad” and discourages us from trying to improve…When we allow the devil to move in our hearts, we experience shame and condemnation, identifying with our sin and rejecting ourselves. But when the Holy Spirit works in our hearts, we experience guilt and conviction, rejecting our sin but accepting ourselves.” (Robin Phillips)
“A strong and stable person is someone who knows his own strengths, which includes knowing the limits of those strengths. Thus, there is an important connection between self-confidence and self-knowledge. However, when our sense of self is hijacked by shame or by the type of learned helplessness that emerges from dysfunctional relationships, it can become very difficult to accurately assess our own strength. For example, a negative view of the self may result in underestimating our strength, but it can also result in the projection of a false strength, since we have learned to associate weakness with shame and guilt…Shame makes us unable to accept love from others and from God and can lead us to giving up hope…” (Robin Phillips, Fr. Joshua Makoul)
“Healing from shame also means not allowing others to shame us. In much the same way that an alcoholic needs to shun alcohol, so the one who has suffered from shame must avoid sources of shame and be prepared to set boundaries against them….We would do well to remind ourselves that Jesus never shamed anyone, even when He encountered those of the worst reputation. In fact, He did quite the opposite.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)
“We do not always press the point of our shame to a place that is unbearable, but we do well to learn how to go to that place when we stand before God and pray. It is not simply that we rehearse a list of our failures. This will often only take us into the noise of our legal/forensic false existence. It is by standing honestly before who we are, and what we are not (that proper reflection on our actions can produce) that also allows us to stand face-to-face before Christ Himself. He is a good God, and loves mankind. He has no desire to crush us or drive us into nothingness through our shame. Rather, He meets us there, and comforts us with the truth of ourselves and the compassion of His company. ” (Father Stephen Freeman)
“…in reality, the very feeling of shame as separation is in itself an experience of God’s love. God’s love for me is not moving away or diminishing; rather, I feel myself being seduced, led, or dragged away from that source of light and communion in Him. I feel unable to turn back to the love that will not fail. It is not that God does not offer His love; it is that I find myself unable to receive it. It is there, but I cannot accept that it is available to me in reality—because I conceive of myself as unlovable.” (Andrew Williams)
“Jesus knew that shame was a poor motivator. He knew that not only was shaming these people obviously inconsistent with the love of God, but it would only reinforce their already negative self-perception and extinguish any hope that they could change and become holy. Jesus gave each of the individuals something no one else did: a belief in themselves, that they had the potential to be holy if only they were willing to give up their sinful behavior, which they did. This lesson applies to us in the way we respond both to others and to ourselves. We must follow Jesus’ example and stop shaming ourselves with negative thoughts, self-talk, and self-defeating behavior.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)
“No matter how far we may have moved away from God in our lives, choices, or hearts, we should never fear or be ashamed to return to the God of love who always waits for us to return as the parable’s loving father did for his prodigal son.” (Fr. Ted Bobosh)
“Do not lose heart, O soul, do not grieve; pronounce not over yourself a final judgment for the multitude of your sins; do not commit yourself to fire; do not say: The Lord has cast me from His face. Such words are not pleasing to God. Can it be that he who has fallen cannot get up? Can it be that he who has turned away cannot turn back again? Do you not hear how kind the father is to a prodigal? Do not be ashamed to turn back and say boldly: I will arise and go to my father. Arise and go!” (St. Ephraim the Syrian)
“Acknowledging our emptiness and brokenness, our failures and weakness, is an exercise in confronting shame. It can be quite painful – something we either avoid or cover over with self-loathing. Shame is not self-loathing. Indeed, the energy behind our self-loathing is simply pride (ϕιλαυτία). Self-loathing is consumed with the self and driven by its unwillingness to be that person. Bearing our shame is the willingness to acknowledge the truth of ourselves and our lives as a simple fact, without protest or promise of reform. It is enduring the simple fact of our lives, how we live them, how we fail, how we really do not love God or others, etc. It is not an exercise in comparative failure – it does not matter whether our weakness is similar to anyone else’s. Such comparisons are merely another exercise in self-justification, an avoidance of the fact, the shame, of our lives.” (Father Stephen Freeman)
“It’s easy to feel ashamed and retreat behind a stoicism that says, “I’m not lonely,” “I’m not scared,” or “No one can ever hurt me.” In such a hardened state, we may find it difficult to be real with God about our needs, struggles, and temptations. Even though God knows us better than we know ourselves, we often feel embarrassed coming to Him and being totally honest about the pain we feel.” (Robin Phillips)
“Sometimes, when we have been through painful experiences, it is as though we send a message to others that we are not safe to be around. We believe that inevitably we will end up disappointing the person who seeks a relationship with us, because they will somehow see us in the same distorted way we see ourselves. Shame can do this to us. Also, sometimes we do not see others for who they are but for who they could become. In these instances, when others try to show us love or affirmation, we respond by almost becoming numb and not being responsive. However, if we perceive someone directed something negative towards us, how quickly we react and respond. When someone attempts to love or affirm us, we might react as though it is not real or not safe. As though on a deep unconscious level we are saying, the love they are showing me cannot be real, because at my core I am unlovable.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)
“Healthy shame is quite complex. Many of us get it wrong at first, but it is our most personal energy, in a way, and therefore its development and cultivation are synonymous with our becoming our unique and true selves. Healthy shame is the sine qua non of a spiritually developed person! And this reverent shame is what inevitably grows through the Beauty-first approach of focusing on Theophany rather than on self-analysis or on our moral failings.” (Timothy G. Patitsas)
.Shame is healthy when it allow us to see that we have produced no fruit in this life, only emptiness and death. All change comes with a certain degree of pain, discomfort, and bitterness. The accomplishments that gain us adulation and praise from friends and colleagues make us wince when we catch sight of our dark side, unseen by the majority. Because the Lord knows our hearts, “what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God” (Lk 16:15). However, once we accept godly shame with equanimity, we can go beyond it to eradicate the habits and assumptions that allowed us moments “of uncleanness, and of lawlessness leading to more lawlessness” (Rom 6:19). Shame becomes our ally, mentor, and guide, warning us when danger approaches and urging us to turn to life once again. It reminds us that we are slaves of God and owe it to our Master to offer “fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life” (vs. 22).” (Dynamis 7/18/2021)
“Human beings spend most of their lives “donning various masks” to hide their weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and shame. Repentance is simply the act of taking off the masks.” (Jonathan Jackson)
“If we conceal our wounds, out of fear or shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others…When we surrender our suffering and brokenness to God, we are on the path to wisdom and might.” (Brennan Manning, Marlena Graves)
“In the Ladder of Divine Ascent we hear: “Shame can only be healed by shame.” As difficult as this is for us, it is the place of atonement and exchange that Christ has set. I have been learning recently, however, that to speak of “bearing a little shame”… is overwhelming to some…Vulnerability, at its core, is nothing other than “bearing a little shame.” It is the willingness to be real, to be authentic with the risk that it entails. This is on the psychological level. There is a deeper level, though we cannot really go there without enduring the psychological first. God give us grace to be vulnerable in His presence, vulnerable enough to discover our true selves.” (Father Stephen Freeman)
“Adam and Eve were naked but not ashamed. When they sinned the first thing they felt was shame and they immediately hid and covered themselves. When confronted by God about what they did, they took no accountability but rather placed blame. They did nothing more than what goes on today. We hide our own sins while ruthlessly shaming others for the same things we ourselves are doing in secret, or for things they may have done years ago. It’s hypocrisy and judgment at its finest, and if we are acting like this we might as well build a wall around our heart and hang a sign on its gate that says to God ‘no admittance.’ The better path is to be completely honest and accountable with ourselves so we can become repentant, accept God’s healing love which always results in correction, and then be able to be an agent of healing to others. ” (Sacramental Living Ministries)
“We have all done things for which we are ashamed and we live in the tension of what we have been and what we want to be….Don’t dwell on your past. Instead, grow in the knowledge of God by concentrating on your relationship with Him now.” (Life Application Study Philippians 3:13, 14)
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