Grief and Grieving

“There is a movement to our grief—a progression that leads to a conclusion. That conclusion is a place of acceptance and peace—acceptance that what occurred did indeed happen and cannot be reversed. As a result of this acceptance, a peace sets in, born from realizing that we survived the loss and that any loss or pain in this world will be of no significance or power in the Kingdom of God. Everyone grieves differently. There is no wrong way to grieve, as long as one is grieving with hope and with the desire to move forward. Not everyone works through the stages of grief in the same order. Some may need to cry multiple times a day for months. A single tear for one person may be the equivalent of a month’s or years’ worth of tears in another. Grieving also takes many forms other than the shedding of tears: visits to the cemetery; visiting a place where painful things occurred; journaling about something we went through; talking about what we went through and processing the experience can all be forms of grief.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)

“ ‘There is grief that is useful, and there is grief that is destructive. The first sort consists in weeping over one’s own faults and weeping over the weakness of one’s neighbors, in order not to destroy one’s purpose, and attach oneself to the perfect good. But there is also a grief that comes from the enemy, full of mockery, which some call accidie. This spirit must be cast out, mainly by prayer and psalmody.’ Desert spirituality understood that healthy grief is dynamic and transformative: it moves. Grief can help us to touch our well of compassion and extend it toward ourself and others. Grief can also be an opportunity to allow ourselves to rest deeply in God’s compassion. Grief that feeds inner turmoil and refuses resolution, that moves us toward death rather than life, that leads us away from our truest selves, must be rooted out or healed. (Laura Swan, Amma Syncletica)

“Most of the time, violent anger tied to fear is a veil over a deeper need to grieve. It is my way of fighting back against the loss or absence of something I really need, such as real intimacy. It is my way of refusing to acknowledge or accept that need. Saint John of the Ladder hints at this when he says that an antidote to anger is tears, and that although anger is better expressed (though not directly or aggressively against another) than internalized, the best way to express it is as grief.” (Andrew Williams)

“The love of God is radically particular, enmeshed in the ordinary. Wherever Jesus went, people knew themselves seen and beloved. You see it everywhere throughout the Gospels: Jesus stopping to visit, to name, to recognize, to heal. Children whom nobody else prized, women with wounded bodies or deep spiritual hunger, lepers, soldiers, little ones. He insisted upon it, for these individual souls were those He came to love. He loved the whole world, and that meant each of us in our foibles and fears. I have always cherished the story of when the woman with a disease of bleeding touched Him in a crowd and He stopped to ask who, out of hundreds, it might be. I don’t think it had a thing to do with anything other than His deep desire for her not to escape without meeting the eyes of the one who loved her wholly, whose gaze could heal what was as twisted and grieved in her soul as it was in her body.” (Sarah Clarkson)

“St. Paul acknowledges that not all sorrow is spiritually bad for us. There is a sorrow which does nothing but weigh down the heart and results in depression or despondency. This sorrow in Paul’s thinking is a worldly sorrow which produces death in us and therefore is not healthy. Conversely, there is also a sorrow which can uplift us. This is a godly grief that ultimately brings about in us remorse and repentance, which leads us back to God – a godly grief that leads to a blessing.” (Fr. Ted Bobosh)

“…we must not grieve, as St. Paul stated, “as others who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13), or else we will become lost in our grief and won’t lift our heads to see that we have reached the shore. Grieving with hope means grieving with the knowledge that our acute grief is temporary and that it is a passage.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)

“St. Paul tells us to weep with those who weep – he is telling us to have empathy with the people we meet and to show compassion to those we interact with. While sharing in another’s grief is a way to love them, it might not be enough, we may have to do more to help lift them from their despair. We also have to note that there are many reasons why someone might have been brought to tears – there is godly grief and there is worldly grief. “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). The two kinds of grief are quite different, having diametrically opposed results. Grief, as much as we try to avoid it, can at times bring about a good effect in our spiritual lives. For example, when we realize we are behaving wrongly, our grief can help push us to repent and/or to apologize in order to seek forgiveness.” (Fr. Ted Bobosh)

“I do “grieve with hope” — I breathe in the life-affirming and spirit filling promise that the reality I am living is not the only reality there is. I lean into the Word of God and trust in, rely on and affirm the victory of Jesus Christ. But I still GRIEVE. I cannot force my heart to ignore the pain and sorrow that has been laid upon it. So I continue to live each day, doing the work that God has left for me to do, but walking a little slower, a little more bowed down. For those of us carrying this burden of grief, the greatest gift is grace and mercy and kindness — we are doing the best we can.” (Melanie DeSimone)

“The effects of grief on an individual who is mourning can be very profound. One may experience physical symptoms such as memory loss, hallucinations and even anger with the deceased and with God. It is not uncommon to laugh one moment and to cry the next, to bring to mind great memories and to be grateful for the time you shared with your loved one yet to cry and wish you had more time to share with them. We can’t stop what the heart is feeling. Yet we can logically make choices to help us go on, for grieving is a natural part of life…the first celebrations without our loved ones will be the most painful. Their absence at the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Pascha, summer vacation and any other occasion will be noticeable. But we also learn that the second and third anniversary will be more manageable. Life goes on despite the loss of our loved one. We learn new ways to cope, and we must be willing to allow our family and friends to help us go on.” (Rev. Fr. Costas Keares)

“In the plethora of human experiences, grief is perhaps the most universal and most likely the most difficult with which to cope. The very nature of grief demands that the event that precipitated the grief become meaningful. Yet how can the loss of a person that held together one’s inner world possibly become meaningful?... In moments of grief during our earthly sojourn, we can ultimately find meaning by clinging to Him Who has already conquered death and given us life. In that “newness of life,” we can not only find meaning, but also behold a new heaven and a new earth when our first heaven and first earth have passed away (Revelations 21:1). (Hieromonk Alexis Trader)

“Unresolved grief will linger until it is processed and dealt with—we can run, but we can’t hide. Many times we are afraid to grieve, thinking we may become lost in our grief and not be able to find our way out. However, grieving hidden losses is a necessary part of our healing and theosis, our striving to attain union with God…Grief often comes in waves, so we need to be careful not to prematurely declare our grieving process over. Those who have experienced intense grief compare it to being adrift on the sea, at the mercy of tides and currents. To resist or fight these currents would only make our condition worse, and we would exhaust ourselves. We let the waves and currents of grief carry us until we find ourselves on that quiet shore of closure and become aware that it is time to move on.” (Fr. Joshua Makoul)

“Grief isn’t a luxury, it’s an appropriate response to loss. You don’t just will it away. If you allow it to run its course, it will fade with time, but if you ignore it or pretend it doesn’t exist, it only gets worse.” (Richard Paul Evans)

“In sickness and, in general, during bodily infirmity, as well as in affliction, a man cannot in the beginning burn with faith and love for God, because in affliction and sickness the heart aches, whilst faith and love require a sound heart, a calm heart. This is why we must not very much grieve if during sickness and affliction we cannot believe in God, love Him, and pray to Him fervently as we ought to. Everything has it proper time. There may be an unfavorable time even for praying.” (St. John of Kronstadt)

“…those who suffer grief, sickness, despondency, loneliness, affliction, persecution, and hardship know that the reasons for the sorrows of this life are beyond human understanding. Yet, they are not without the presence, support, and comfort of God so that they might endure whatever difficulties they face…Solace from God the Father and affliction go hand in hand. In the proportion that the Heavenly Father permits the sorrow, he also bestows comfort in equal measure. And both are for the encouragement, endurance, and salvation of others in the household of faith (2 Corinthians 1:6)… Whatever sorrow we have, the Lord is with us to offer us an equal measure of comfort. Of this balance of grief and consolation, the Russian and Orthodox novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote in Crime and Punishment, “The darker the night, the brighter the stars, the deeper the grief, the closer to God.” (Fr. Basil)

“We are not expected to “get over” loss at any point….There is no shame in weeping five months, five years or fifty years after a loss. We continue to pray for the souls of our loved ones just as we pray for the saints, that their souls rest “where there is no pain, no sorrow, no sighing, but life everlasting…In times of suffering, the Church encourages us to fully experience our story and, as my good friend and teacher Dr. Albert Rossi would say, become a healing presence for others. Deepening our understanding of our faith relinquishes our need to tell each other empty words like “God won’t give you more than you can handle” and “He/she is in a better place.” Instead, it allows us to offer prayer, presence and understanding that strengthen our relationship to God and each other.” (Danielle Xanthos)

“…our lives change constantly. Along with these changes we may experience a sense of loss. We suffer loss in all dimensions of life: physical, relational, emotional, financial and spiritual. The most profound loss occurs with the death of a loved one. Death, anticipated or sudden, is capable of devastating those left behind. It may thrust the bereaved into a mix of physical and emotional responses: sorrow, anxiety, tears, anger, regret, and disbelief, among others. Grief is an expression of our enduring love for one another, a love that continues even in their absence…” (Patricia Manuse) “

We need to honor the bereavement process. Grief is confirmation that the one lost was a person of value. It is the way we honor a well-lived life. In grieving, we follow the example of Jesus, who wept at the grave of his friend Lazarus.” (Abbot Tryphon)

“Grieving is the natural way we go about adjusting to loss. It’s the way we gradually come to know deep within ourselves—whether we like it or not—that the loss is real…All we have to do is look around us and we see that loss is one half of the process of life. New life can only come when there is a letting go of what was there before. This is the story of human existence from beginning to end.” (Joan Guntzelman)

“We all need to remember that sorrow and loss are a part of this life. Someone, therefore, will always be in need of our comfort. If we really care for people who are in trouble, we only need a warm handclasp or an embrace of loving compassion to beautifully express our upholding concern and Christian love.” (Rev. Andrew Demotses)

“…life is temporary…appreciate all that the Lord has blessed us with…learn that in life loss occurs and is often times out of our control. Through Christ and His Resurrection, we begin to heal our loss.” (Greek Orthodox Archdiocese)

“According to apostolic Christian teaching, there are two kinds of grief. There is worldly grief …which produces death. This grief comes when people fail to get what they want according to their sinful and self-centered passions and desires. This grief intensifies when people are told they should fight their sinful passions by God’s grace, rather than allow themselves to be enslaved by them. And then there is godly grief…which produces a repentance that leads to life. This is the grief of blessed mourning over the consequences of sin in human being and life (2 Cor. 7:8–13).” (Father Thomas Hopko)

“ 'For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death...' (2 Cor 7: 10)...The Apostle reminds me today of “godly grief” that produces repentance. It is quite different from the crushing despair of “worldly grief” that produces death. I need not banish “godly grief,” because it is a gift. It is a feeling of discomfort that moves me to action, to change my focus and return home. This dynamic is one that gives me life; it is one that instills in me a longing, a desire to move forward." (Sr. Dr. Vassa Larin)

“Here’s one way to distinguish between worldly grief and godly grief: one mobilizes you into action and the other immobilizes you. Godly grief is a fruitful and effective emotion. We are not meant to wallow in this grief. It is supposed to spur us to action, to change, to make right our wrongs, to be zealous for good works, to run from sin and start walking in the opposite direction.” (Kevin DeYoung)

“Thus, the verse of St. Paul which I quoted several days ago, “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10) became important for me. Worldly grief can be the door to despair (which we certainly do not want). To grieve in a “godly” manner, I believe, means to unite and offer my grief to God. Thus “we do not grieve as those who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13).” (Father Stephen Freeman)

“It may be obvious to many, but in my pastoral experience it needs to be repeated that the primary cause of depression is being far from God. It is the absence of God that elicits within us the greatest grief. Joy is not the absence of sorrows; joy is the presence of God in all these things. It is our impression that we are alone in the midst of our pains that is the source of our greatest sorrow. When God is there, all of our difficulties are infused with a mysterious joy. When He is not, even our greatest earthly happiness is unsatisfying.” (V. Rev. Josiah Trenham, Ph.D.)

“When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through our grief. Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life. Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one, and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.” (Life Application Study Bible, Genesis 50:1-11)

“I do “grieve with hope” — I breathe in the life-affirming and spirit filling promise that the reality I am living is not the only reality there is. I lean into the Word of God and trust in, rely on and affirm the victory of Jesus Christ. But I still GRIEVE. I cannot force my heart to ignore the pain and sorrow that has been laid upon it. So I continue to live each day, doing the work that God has left for me to do, but walking a little slower, a little more bowed down. For those of us carrying this burden of grief, the greatest gift is grace and mercy and kindness — we are doing the best we can.” (Melanie DeSimone)

“As Christians, we know and accept that there are horrors in this world due to the pollution of sin that creates conditions of immortality and corruption….But like Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus, whose understanding is obviously far greater than ours, we weep at tragedies. We weep, in part, because these things were never meant to be. But because of Christ’s sacrifice, crucifixion and resurrection, we have the promise of restoration and new life to look forward too, no matter what happens to us in this life, if we choose God in our hearts.” (Sacramental Living)

“We need to honor the bereavement process. Grief is confirmation that the one lost was a person of value. It is the way we honor a well-lived life. In grieving, we follow the example of Jesus, who wept at the grave of his friend Lazarus.” (Abbot Tryphon)

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” (J.R.R. Tolkien)

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